Monday, February 20, 2006

Madness and some therapy

First, I like the idea of the Jackhammer Jesus, though now every time I see a crucifix I shudder a bit. I heard a story this weekend of a very Christian girl, married to a preacher's son, who has a Jesus fish tattooed onto her "come shot spot" (lower back). Makes me wonder whether the Jackhammer Jesus is for irony and those who hate religion/Jesus or for those that really, really just can't get enough of him.

Surprise birthday party for Steve went off without a hitch this weekend, that is, except for leaving me extremely exhausted. Keeping a secret for a month, lying and scheming is difficult and tiring. I will not do it again. He, however, can no longer complain that he's never had a surprise birthday thrown for him (or that no one loves him). Pictures after the bar exam (at least the ones that won't shock).

I'm taking the bar exam tomorrow and Wednesday. I'm trying very hard to keep myself calm and collected and making sure that I do not allow panic to take over. I've become accepting of the fact that I just do not learn well by memorizing long and complicated lists of things. I'm more of a reference librarian. I can find you an answer lickety-split, any answer. But until I actually tinker with something in the concrete, I will not necessarily have it locked in my head.

Most of the lawyers I know remember nothing of the materials that are so very fundamental to the practice of law. That the bar exam tests in this manner (memorizing long lists of factors), seems to be a bit ridiculous. I realize it is a rite of passage. Not so sure that I have ever wanted to be a member of that club. But, like the kids on the Olympics, I'm gonna give it another try, and see what happens.

I've been mostly concerned lately with how I will seem to those that I know, that know I'm taking the bar exam for the second time. I've already failed it once and no one seems to hold that against me (except my roommate, whom I know would like a little more income in the house).

I don't know what people will think if I don't make it this time. I didn't study as hard as I should have. I definitely did more this time than last July, but I feel like I just didn't spend enough time drilling shit into my head. And I didn't want to. I don't want to. I will not take this exam again, at least not in this state, or within the foreseeable future. I am likely not supposed to be an attorney (an advocate, yes, pjr, I see that now). I see others around me that are made for the job. I just wanted the skills. I have them, and have paid for them. I will not allow this exam to define me, and if anyone has a problem with that then please remove yourself from my circle of friends. ( I know I sound touchy, but that is because of the amazing amount of pressure I am currently under.)

After this week though, I'm gonna start looking for a job (while finishing painting V's house). I need to work. That's all I've ever wanted in the last 3.5 years, and I'm gonna have that now. Pay my bills and eat some food. So, keep me in mind when you hear of possibilities. I'll do anything at this point, but I still think I have some pretty marketable skills. I just need to discover that job that will work for me. And any advice as to things that I should look into (that do not require more education/debt) would be most welcome. I'm at a loss right now as to what I should do, where I should apply. But that's all for next week. (And I will still be applying for jobs for attorneys. I haven't lost all hope or I would just stay home tomorrow).

Right now, I have to make sure my external hard drive works, and get all the things together that I will need for the Olympics of the mind.

Thanks for listening, and please, DO NOT ASK ME HOW THINGS WENT. If I wanna talk about it I'll let you know. Let's just pretend that this whole thing never happened, ok? If you want to know how I am, ask about the job search, as that is what is currently most important in my life.

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